I’ve worked with hundreds of clients who have MyFitnessPal accounts. It’s a fantastic tool that helps them tremendously. But every client who has let me look at their MyFitnessPal diary has kicked off the sharing conversation with the same two words: “I’m sorry.”
To which I always reply, “Don’t worry—I’m a coach, not a priest!”
And after tens of thousands of interactions with clients, helping them develop new healthy habits, I have stumbled onto a simple, universal trick. A single, hard and fast sentence that is the secret to making any healthy habit stick for good. It’s only two little words, so it’s easy to remember—but, man, is it hard to say!
Every day, I hear the words “I’m sorry” from my clients. They are sorry for eating cupcakes. They are sorry for only doing 8 kettlebell swings instead of 10. They are sorry for thinking about sleeping in. But “I’m” and “sorry” are not the two little words that are hard to say.
“I’m sorry” means, “I feel guilty because I know I should want to do something but I really don’t want to.” I’m sorry means, “I feel bad because I’m supposed to want this.” In psychology, this is known as introjected motivation and, although it’s powerful in the short term, it’s poison in the long term. I’ve never had a client reach success by shaming and guilt-tripping themselves across the finish line. Because in the long term, “I’m sorry” really means, “I’m sorry I’m not sorry” and the most sorry people quit.
No, the two little words that are the secret to making healthy habits stick are what I say in response to “I’m sorry.” They are what I try to teach people to tell themselves when they think, “I’m sorry.” The two little words that get people back on track, back to the plan, and back to habits that work: “It’s OK.”
It’s OK that you ate that cupcake. Let’s talk about why and how we can better plan ahead next time. It’s OK that you only did 8 swings; that’s 8 more than you would have done last week. It’s OK you thought about sleeping in because you’re human. But in the end, you showed up!
One week in 2010, I tried to count the number of times I said, “It’s OK,” to my clients. It was more than 500—so many that I joked about having cards made so I could coach remotely. But people don’t really need to hear “It’s OK” from me. They need to hear it from themselves.
So I had my clients make their own cards. I bought blank business cards and had them write, “It’s OK,” with a thick, black marker. They put the cards in their wallets, taped them to the back of their phones, and put them on their scales and refrigerators.
Because everyone has those days; everyone has those thoughts. Ask a priest and he’ll tell you, too: we’re all human. Screwing up is part of the plan. What matters is forgiveness. Forgive yourself, get back on track, and do a little better tomorrow. After all, it’s OK!
Have you learned the art of self-forgiveness yet? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
28 Responses
Oh man…I really, REALLY needed to hear those words today. Thank you.
I’m almost 70 years old, and only within the last year have I realized that guilt and regret were destroying both my happiness and physical well-being. I still set goals each day, but if I don’t reach them, I don’t beat myself up about it. And, because I no longer feel the need to come up with excuses for my perceived failure, I’m finding that each day I’m getting closer to those goals. Consequently, I becoming happier and healthier.
Great! I’m making that realization, too. I want to enjoy the ups and downs of my life journey, including this.
Yes, it really is Okay. Sometimes beating yourself up over something or your bad food choices for the day actually makes you want to quit completely. Then you see the damage you done but can’t stop yourself from carrying on in that matter. Don’t let a slip keep you on the ground
I’m studying mental health nursing and what I have learned very recently is that your body reacts physiologically to hurtful remarks from others or seeing something distressing Exactly the same way as it does in your imagination like nightmares or bad thoughts. So if we guilt trip ourselves in our minds then in reality it is no different to if someone did the same to our face. And as we are all starting to learn more and more stress literally can kill as it can create a whole bunch of physiological problems.
This is so true! I’m sitting here feeling guilty about something I ate earlier, but I went back to Zumba for the first time in months tonight and it felt great! I’m so motivated now! Instead of beating ourselves up for when we slip up, we need to be proud of our achievements!
Keep the ‘good for you’ / ‘bad for you’ as a very black or white issue in your mind. Let go of numbers and amounts. Wheather you ran 26 miles or walked up a few flites of stairs instead of taking an elevator, you made positive choices.
Let ‘ 15lbs by the holidays’ become, ‘just having a healthier intake of food’
Peace and prayers –JTS
I’m in agreement with most of the below comments. They are actually very encouraging to me. But this article is also very encouraging, and helps to put your mind straight again. One of the things I thoroughly think is important is “forgiveness” of yourself, and that is very hard to do. God’s word says “if we do not forgive others, He will not forgive us.” I think in this case of eating the wrong thing, it’s the forgiveness of ourselves that is most important as long as we continue to strive for the goal of keeping fit. Don’t let Satan come into your life and tell you you should feel guilty. IT IS Ok!!!
So true. Everytime I start feeling successful regarding my healthy habits of eating and exercise Satan starts whisperingl lies to me.
I’ll share something that I learned this year. I should have learned this many years ago, but “It’s OK!” In February, I received some health-related news that I was not particularly pleased to hear. I took a day off and drove up into the mountains with my dog. We spent the afternoon on a very long walk, which we both enjoyed.
When we got home, I retrieved a couple of my books about training and diet and I started writing myself a plan. I made a commitment to have the “Long View” and realize that there are some changes I need to make… namely to lose some weight and gain some muscle. These things are not likely to change my lifespan, but they will have a strong impact on my quality of life.
I knew there would be, and will be, a number of challenges along the way. I had a month off because of an extended family visit. I had another few weeks when I couldn’t strength train. In each instance, I did not give up on diet and exercise completely, but I did what I could and permitted myself that time, because I now have the “Long View.” I know that I’m in this for the long haul and that temporary interruptions, mistakes, bad choices, whatever are not going to change that. I’ll just pick it up again and continue from wherever I left off.
That’s the “Long View” and “It’s OK” if I don’t get it done everyday, everytime. “It’s OK” for you too. I encourage you to take the “Long View.”
Thank you for your great wisdom. Your “Long View” made me remember a time when I never complained and was in enlightenment. I realize your trick would help me reach enlightenment and state of No-Complaints as well as having a good temper.
“It’s ok”… is the verbal manifestation of finding balance. Realize that we won’t always be, act, talk, eat perfect… and let yourself off the hook sometimes. Life is so much better when in balance. Like a car with an out of balance wheel, or a table with an out of balance leg… those things can drive you insane! So can an out of balance diet, mindset, or exercise routine. Balance means finding the best mix of good and bad… allowing some of the “bad” things to be OK.
Good article! Controlling our thought patterns is important in all of our behaviors because what we think affects how we feel. Catastrophizing after we eat that cupcake is not a helpful thought. “It’s okay” is a more useful thought.
I would never say ‘I’m sorry’ – it’s already done for one thing. Add to that I always push myself even when I don’t want to be at the gym, I go, I do my thing as hard as I can because if I don’t, who do I let down? Me.
I like me, so even when I occasionally half-ass it, I know it just means I want to push a little more next time. Why make THAT happen if I don’t have to?
The words ‘Just walk’ are the words that helped me. I finally gave myself a little talking to about that little voice in my head that made me feel like a failure because I wasn’t doing my workout like someone else. Just walk…that was my beginning. I don’t have to run…just walk. Start there. ‘It’s okay’ are two great words before or after ‘Just walk’ too. ☺️
walking has never been enough for me , I walk everywhere because I do not drive and I weigh over 200 almost 300 with me it is about what I eat
Love this! 🙂
I consider myself a success story. Back in my younger years I had always been told by doctors “severely obese”, I hated those hurtful words every time I would get weighed in. But what scared me straight wasn’t my health issues, at 42 and close to 400#, I had a severe asthma attack, couldn’t breathe, scared me thinking I could die. I did have gastric bypass and lost 225#, 2/3 of me but still need to lose about 30# to go, so I set my goal, have been working out doing my favorite exercises. Some people don’t want to hear it, they’re the ones that have excuses not to, but those that do I have inspired them to reach their goals. I hope I have inspired someone out there, there is no excuse, find the time, you can do it. I started back in October of last year, and now have 15# to go. I love hearing people call me skinny. I now have a brighter outlook on life.
Well done Marti – great work
It is easy when a person can have surgery to get them a so to speak a running start but when a person can not have surgery I am sure you would agree there is no hope after passing the 200 mark. So no your not really an inspiration to people that can not have surgery.
Marti I think you are amazing and I love hearing how you have overcome such difficult times in your life. You are the best inspiration for me. Power to you and thank you so much fior sharing your story.
Don’t listen to this guy. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. My wife weighs 400 pounds. And she says it’s OK to make love with her.
Your wife weighing that much doesn’t mean she should run herself to the ground about it. She still needs self-love. It’s OK to have self-love AND want to lose weight. It’s actually better this way rather than killing yourself over it. What he means is stop obsessing about the past.
Hi!
I’m a pastor in Canada, and I hear the words I’m Sorry way too often.
Sometimes “I’m sorry” is an admission of defeat, not a recognition of a need to do better. Coach Stevo is correct that the words “It’s OK” are a great start to moving from feelings of failure and guilt to habits of doing something positive.
Let me encourage you all that the past is past. (along with the cupcakes, chocolate, burger and guilty feelings) Find a good habit that will improve your future.
So great to read someone else has experienced these sorry feelings. You know I am so glad to forgive myself and say it’s ok to myself. Love you guys. Thank you.
“Don’t worry—I’m a coach, not a priest!” Love it! Mind if I steal that line? Haha.
I just read the article about ” I am sorry” , I say that sometimes when I over eat knowing I am really not but I got away with it and had to say something. The article states in stead of I am sorry I should be saying it’s okay. Well I say that too but in my mind I believe it is not okay. I think well I blew it today and tomorrow is a new day but I continue to over eat and eat unhealthy? I continue to do what I do not want to do. Does anyone else struggle in this area?
it’s ok=acceptance of what is. And there is freedom in that